


Production Values

by Daegaer



Category: Weiß Kreuz
Genre: Adventure, Assassins & Hitmen, Crack, Dinosaurs, Drabble, Drabble Sequence, Gen, Humor, Psychic Abilities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2020-12-28 07:03:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21132605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daegaer/pseuds/Daegaer
Summary: Schwarz are on a trip. Luckily their knowledge of  movies can help a little.





	Production Values

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bardsley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bardsley/gifts).

> Happy belated birthday, Bardsley!

"I'd like to know," Schuldig said, "Why we have been abandoned in the Land that Time Forgot?'

"We're not abandoned," Crawford said calmly. "We're on a scientific expedition."

"I've seen this film," Schuldig said. "Abandoned _and_ doomed."

"We've all seen this film," Farfarello said. "I'm anticipating the affronts to god and nature."

"Anything to add, Nagi?" Crawford said, through gritted teeth.

Nagi gave him a teenage, sarcastic glare.

"Fine. Let's move out from camp."

A pterodactyl swooped down and carried off one of the accompanying soldiers. The screams ended with a crunch.

Crawford sighed.

He too had seen this film.

* * *

"Look out!" Crawford yelled.

It was hopeless. The hideous creature emerged from its cave and dragged another soldier to it with its sticky tongue. There were more screams interrupted by loud crunching noises.

"Why does that dinosaur look like a badly photoshopped chameleon?" Nagi said.

"Because this is a tacky low-budget disaster movie," Schuldig said. "We obviously don't rate Weta Workshop."

"Yeah, you do look like a SYFY native," Nagi said.

"This is the point where the stop-motion T-Rex normally comes to fight the giant lizard, right?" Farfarello said helpfully, pointing at movement in the forest.

Everyone ran for cover.

* * *

"We really aren't paid enough for this," Schuldig groused, watching a T-Rex and Triceratops battle to the death. "It's not like those things have minds worth reading."

"We're not here for them," Crawford said.

"Can I have one as a pet?" Nagi said.

"No!" everyone chorused, as the battling titans rolled closer.

A fleeing brachiosaur stepped on one of the few remaining soldiers. There were no screams, but there was a crunch. The T-Rex bellowed its victory over its fatally wounded foe.

The remaining party members crept down the hill and slipped down the path lined with skulls on staves.

* * *

"So this scientific expedition is to visit a village of nubile women who've lived without men for thousands of years?" Schuldig said. "For science?"

"They've been cut off for millennia," Crawford agreed.

"How do they reproduce?" Nagi said. "That's nonsense!"

"It's tacky low-budget nonsense," Farfarello said. "Which means they're desperate for male company!"

"Or," Nagi said, as a spear flew through the chest of the last remaining soldier, pinning him to a tree with a crunch, "They're magical lesbian warriors who'll slaughter us in the climactic chase scene."

"He's got a point," Schuldig said.

Everyone sprinted back to the rendezvous-point.

* * *

"Will we have a heroic last stand?" Nagi gasped, spears hitting their palisade, wood crunching and splintering.

"I'd prefer a dramatic last-minute rescue," Schuldig snapped at Crawford, who shrugged.

"We're screwed. Remember, _All those who've had sex must die_," Farfarello said. "Nagi's safe."

Nagi groaned.

"What? Tot finally put out?"

"_Omi_."

"I loved M*A*S*H as a kid," Crawford muttered, and pointed at the empty sky. "Choppers!"

"Where?" everyone shrieked.

"Hey," Schuldig said, "_The Thing_ ends ambiguously with the survivors not knowing which has been infected by the monster."

They stood in horrified silence, staring at each other.


End file.
